Merry Christmas Momma!

To fully understand this post, if you haven't been reading my blog for a while, just click on the label 'Willow Tree Figurines'.

The short version, My mom thought willow tree figurines were creepy because they don't have faces.

 The last picture I had taken with my mom. January 22, 2010. Cancer has already metastisized. We didn't know. She was gone 34 days later.

Early Birthday Present

Once upon a time I was a little girl who lived far away from my grandparents and all my cousins. A couple of times a year we would go visit them and the highlights of my visits were:

*Spending the night in my Uncle Steve and Aunt Marla's home

*Playing "Mother May I" in the playroom

*Riding in the mini car

*Sneaking into the 'orange room' when Mom and Grandma went to town so I could play the piano and the organ

*Eating honeycomb cereal for breakfast

*Seeing my aunts and uncles that came to visit at grandma's while we were there visiting.


Grandma died when I was 11 years old. Although there was a huge void in her home when we would visit, many things remained the same. Eventually the mini car died and we got too old to play 'Mother May I' but other than that, it was a lot the same. Grandpa would let us play the piano but we still had to wait for the grown-ups to leave so we could play the organ.


My senior year of high school grandpa gave the organ to my mom. I remember watching them bring it into the house. It was a novelty for a while so we got to play on it a little bit but as time went on and grandbabies started coming over, Mom eventually covered the keys with towels and no one was allowed to use it. (Play on it)


Mom died when my daughter, Nicole, was 11. (It's strange how much Nicole and I have in common...)many things are the same when we go visit mom and dad's house but there are some voids. The organ is still there and no one is allowed to touch it, without permission. I have practiced it a few times when I've gone over to visit.


Last night my dad gave me the organ. Ken and Dad worked together to surprise me as close to my birthday as possible. Last night as it was being unloaded I had many memories rush through my head. Playing it at grandma's, learning how to play 'Jesus Once Was a Little Child' for a video we sent to Ryan on his mission, and practicing it after mom has died. I thought about watching it being brought into the house and I spotted Nicole watching the same thing. More memories were born last night.


I'm excited to have an organ in my home. Two nights a week at the church practicing isn't enough to make me feel calm on many Sunday mornings, so now I get to practice everyday. I'm also sad to have this specific organ in my home. It truly means my mom had passed away. I have tangible proof in my home. I'm more grateful than sad that it's here. Thank you Ken and Dad for a wonderful birthday surprise!



The orange room. Looking at this picture makes me miss grandama right now. The only thing you can't see if the organ. On the right hand side you can see a small corner of the couch and the organ was right next to it. As a side note, the person who took this picture was standing in the entry way. It was a tile entry way and we used to put on our church shoes and 'tap' for grandma. I have cousins and an aunt who really can tap so she probably thought we were silly, but it was fun.

The organ at Mom and Dad's home. (Dad and I were working on funeral arrangements.) If you click on this picture, you will notice right behind my head the willow tree statue is standing there with her back to us. hahaha
The corner where the organ will go in my home.

The organ in the back of the van.

The bench and the stops in my front room

Ken and our friend James getting it out of the van.

It's in the doorway.

James, Yoshki and Ken got it down 'the stair' and into the front room.

Almost done

Ahhh, all done.

Here it is...in my front room. Ironically an orange (ish) one.

The view from the front window.

Thinking about my Mom

Tonight my thoughts have been about my mom. She died 7 1/2 months ago. It seems so long ago and like yesterday all at the same time.  Our relationship was different that many mother/daughter relationships.  We weren't super close. I lived over 1000 miles away and in the last 3 years of her life I only saw her 7 times. We spoke on the phone semi-often but it was strained...on my end anyway.  I had the chance to spend a week with my parents, without Ken or the kids, last January. The last time I saw my mom was when I hugged her goodbye at the airport. I told her I loved her and we hugged.  I got teary eyed, promised her I'd be back in the summer to visit her and hugged her again and told I loved her again.  As I waited in line to check my bag I turned back and watched dad drive away. At that moment I said to myself and maybe in a prayer also, I will see her again won't I? We knew she was sick with something but her cancer had not yet been discovered, even though it had already metastisized. Less than 2 weeks later we learned her cancer was back and 28 days after that we drove straight through from Kansas to Bremerton to attend her funeral. 

I'm  not telling you all this to get sympathy. At this moment, my blog is my journal or therapist. Here are some things I want to remember...or maybe I don't want to forget. Is that the same thing?

Mom thought Willow Tree Statues were creepy. Why don't they have face? It's just weird. She had 1 and it was on display in entertainment center, turned backwards. She didn't want to look at it. I was at home this weekend and it's still there, backs turned on everyone. It makes me laugh when I think about it now.

She wore big hair. She LOVED her big hair. When she was going through chemo the first time, I kind of thought she thought she lost her identity because she didn't have her beehive. When she finished chemo and her hair started growing back, she was the most beautiful I've ever seen her in my life. I wish she would have felt it or could have seen it. This time she was only on chemo for a couple weeks but it was long enough that she started losing her hair. Less than 48 hours before she died Gina gave her a haircut. She didn't shave her, but it was really short. Once again she looked very pretty. I feel sad that she didn't look like herself in her casket because her hair wasn't long and in an updo, even though Gina did a beautiful job on her hair.

She told me many times that she liked to practice the piano because she felt closer to her mom when she practiced than anywhere else.  When I practice I just cry a lot. It takes me hours to get through my 'hour a day' and then I just feel more and more insecure about my abilities.  She was so sure of herself in that area!

My birthday is in 10 days. Her's is 26 days after mine. We are 30 years apart and Nicole and I are 20 years apart. I loved the year we were 60, 30 and 10.  I'm sad we won't see 63, 33 and 13. It actually makes me nauseated thinking about it.

There is no good way to end this post. I miss her. A lot. I'd like to talk to her about my kids and homeschooling and how to get the timing right on the piano piece I'm working on. I'd also like to invite her over for dinner because this is the first place I've ever lived that she hasn't seen. I think she would have loved my new couches. Now how silly is that?

Please don't feel obligated to comment on this post. I think that is all for tonight.