Monday, October 5, 2009

Tender Mercies

It's kind of a long story...

When we were in Utah last month Gina took our family pictures. I decided the clothes we would wear before we left Kansas and although I like all of us to match, this time I decided that Nicole would wear a different color. When we were all getting ready Gina commented that she thought it was weird that Nicole didn't match the rest of us. The pictures ended up turning out nice and I liked how it looked with her in a different color. I didn't think anymore of it.

This is the time of the year when things that have happened in our life gets to me. I LOVE the holiday season but there are some bittersweet memories that come along with it. As I was watching conference this weekend, I wrote down some of the things I've been thinking about lately in hopes of finding answers from the talks. A couple of the questions were about Robert, our son who passed away almost 8 years ago.

Before Robert was born I was very judgemental about family. I thought it was ridiculous that a family would only have 2 or 3 children. I was not thoughtful to women who had miscarried babies or had delivered stillbirths. If a woman lost her baby because of own addictions I did not feel bad for them, even if they were truly upset about their loss. I just didn't know better. When Robert died, I was moved to the receiving side of such judgements. I have been asked in the last month why we only have 2 children. (We have 3 actually, and I can't get pregnant.) People have asked about our son and when I told them he lived 2 hours, they disregaurded the whole story. Here are a few things that I had never thought about...

A miscarriage, stillbirth and infant death is a horrible loss. Just because a child wasn't known on this life for very long, or at all, there were dreams and hopes for the lost person. A chair is still empty at the dinner table. If a woman loses her baby because she has an addiction, she still loses a part of her. ok, enough of my soapbox...

This season I have wondered how I am doing as a mother. I know I do my best with Nicole and Matthew but I am also a mother to a perfect little boy who is not on this earth. The questions that has eaten at me are, Am I a good mom to Robert? Is it wrong that I say I have 2 children when asked? How can I make sure that my children remember they have a little brother? I thought about these things this weekend but nothing came to me.

Today Nicole, Matthew and Ken are all sick. We've had fevers, hacking coughs, loads of kleenexes used and it's not very fun here today.

When I got the mail this afternoon, a midst all the bills and boring mail was a padded envelope from an address I didn't recognize right away. It was from Orem, UT. The kids thought maybe it was from my sister, Gina. After a second I told them it actually looks like my friend Trishelle's handwriting. I guessed correctly.

Trishelle is a dear friend of mine and I do not deserve her friendship. I am VERY blessed to have it though. She wrote our family a love note and enclosed a treasure she found at a yard sale. It is an angel ornament with the name Robert written on it.
When I read her note and saw the ornament, I immediately felt that she was an answer to my prayers. This beautiful little ornament is the perfect way to help my kids, and me, remember our sweet little baby. I decided to hang it on the wall, next to our family picture. The neatest part about that is...
the wings on the ornament are the exact same color as Nicole's shirt.

This is one example of the Lord's tender mercies in my life. If you have stories to tell, I encourage you to share them on your blog too. I'd love to read them.


  1. That was really sweet of your friend. I have also been a very judgemental of others especially when it comes to babies. I have never had a miscarraige or lost one but it has taken me a long time to get pregnant each time and often I have wondered why some good people have such a hard time or can't have them at all and yet others that seem very much irresponsible seem to have no trouble. One of those times when we just trust what the Lord has planned for us and our little families he has a plan and a reason for everything I think. Sometimes it is just hard to accept it especially the timing but rely on the Lord he helps us through those difficult times.

  2. your post made me cry. needless to say, I am still not coping very well with our situation.
    I agree with Sarah, I too wonder why people who dont even want kids and are irresponsible can have kids with no problems at all and the ones who are trying to be good parents and want kids have trouble doing so. She is right though, we need to rely on the Lord, and I need to listen to myself say that over and over again. :)

  3. When drove to Orem o give her that hug fo you she was so happy that you had gotten your special treasure. Reading your blog made me cry again like I did when you told me on the phone. I had those same views about people that had stillbirths and had lost bt no known theirs babies. Even though Robert was my Nephew not my son he changed that view for me also. I love you Dedra!