Something I feel like I should share

Have you ever had an experience in your life, where you are not ashamed or embarrassed of it, but you feel like it doesn't really need to be completely disclosed to everyone you know?

This weekend was stake conference for our ward/stake. I had a lot of time to think while we were traveling each way to the stake center on Saturday & Sunday (85 miles one way).

We had our area authority Elder Randy D. Funk attend our conference this weekend. Before the adult session on Saturday night, all the Elders Quorum Presidents and their wives were invited to eat dinner with him in the Relief Society room, along with the Stake Presidency & the Stake RS President. Ken and I were privileged to be among the few in attendance. Just eating in the same room as this man brought the spirit and it was a nice prelude to a great meeting that evening.

While sitting in the evening session I felt like I needed to write down my testimony. I’ve done that several times through out my life and as I started to write it during a musical number I felt like I needed to share more than I already have.

In order for a person to know me a little better and to get a glimpse of WHY I believe something and why I LOVE the church and was it stands for, I need to share with you the story of my 3rd child, Robert. I wasn’t sure this was the proper medium to share such a special experience, but as I have thought more about it, I know this is where I am supposed to share “my story”.

From March 2001 to May 2002 we lived in Orem, Utah. We weren’t really sure why we made the decision to move there. It was for sure a shotgun move. When I became pregnant with our 3rd baby, we were grateful to be there because the neonatal care in the Salt Lake Valley is the best in the country.

On October 31, 2001 I was scheduled for my routine ultrasound to find out the sex of our growing baby and of course to make sure s/he was developing correctly. I’m ashamed to tell you right off that I knew we would never have a child with any kind of “problem” so everything except the finding out the sex was just something we had to go through. How silly of me, I know.

As the Ultrasound Tech was looking at the baby, I felt it was taking longer than normal. I didn’t say anything, I just waited patiently for her to reveal the important part—are we having a girl or a boy?! After a while she told Ken and I that she was having a problem seeing the baby’s heart clearly but it looked like there could be a hole in her heart. She also told us that she had a bilateral cleft lip and it appeared that her foot was clubbed. The best news we got from this meeting was, it baby is a girl! Before we left, she let us know that except for the cleft lip, everything else was just speculation. She made an appointment for us to go to UVRMC in Provo, and meet with a perinatologist and to get another ultrasound—THE NEXT DAY. (The official definition of a perinatologist is an obstetrical sub-specialist concerned with the care of the mother and fetus at higher-than-normal risk for complications.) After that appointment, I went home SICK and convinced myself that the only problem with our sweet little girl was a cleft lip with possible palette and that was easily fixable.

The next morning I arrived early to my appt. in Provo and waited patiently. When the Dr. called me in I got on the table and he went right to work performing my ultrasound. He looked for a while and then started talking about terms I never thought I’d hear a Dr. talk to me about…Down Syndrome, Trisomy 13, Trisomy 18, amniocentesis, I think I quit listening before he quit talking. He wanted to do an amniocentesis TODAY, and I had 5 minutes to decide if I wanted one or not.

At the time we only had a cell phone and I was selfish that morning and took it with me, so when I had to make this decision I couldn’t call the one person who needed to know what was going on the most—KEN. I had to call someone else to help me make the decision. Of course my 2nd choice was to call my Mom. I am so thankful she was there, but I also feel bad that she found out before Ken what was going on. Anyway, when she answered the phone, I told her through constant sobbing that the baby was really sick and they needed to do an amniocentesis, but I couldn’t tell them to do it on my own. I had to have somebody tell me it was okay to go through it and my Mom was there for me. She also told me to get a blessing before they did it.

Reason # 73 why we were supposed to be in Utah during this time of our life, all I had to do was tell my Dr. I needed a blessing and 2 minutes later 2 guys with oil showed up and gave me one. In that blessing I was promised that I would not lose the baby because of the procedure I had elected to have AND that from this baby I would be able to see how much Heavenly Father loves me. I had my amniocentesis, and 10 days later I learned that the baby did not have Trisomy 13, 18 OR 21. Instead she had her own special brand of genetic problem, partial Trisomy X—Monosomy 14. I’ll explain what these terms mean in a moment. The other thing we found out was that we were indeed having a BOY. He for sure had the Y Chromosome.

Everyone has 2 of each chromosome except for the sex chromosome in males. 1-22 have 2 of each and they are “married” or stuck to each other. Females have 2 X chromosomes and Males have 1 X and 1 Y. When a baby is made, if the sperm has an X chromosome, the baby is a girl, of it has a Y chromosome, it’s a boy. The mother can only contribute an X sex chromosome. A trisomy is when you have an extra chormosome. Down Syndrome is 3 #21 Chormosomes. I, Dedra Charlet Anderson Cheney, have translocated chromosomes. That means my X and my 14 chromosomes are NOT married correctly. (They are social.) I have 1 ½ X and ½ a 14, and then I have 1 ½ 14 and ½ an X. Confused? So sorry! Robert, had an extra ½ an X and was missing ½ of a 14. My specialist Dr’s had never seen this specific case before, so we made medical history.

This also meant that there was little information for Ken and I to read up on. Throughout the next few weeks, we met with every kind of baby specialist I never knew existed. 2 echo cardio grams, more than 50 ultrasounds, surgical specialists and so on. Time moved very slowly as we inched our way closer to the day our baby would be born and we would be living at the hospital while he had surgeries and recovered. In the back of my mind I knew he would probably never come home, but I could not say that out loud. So while Ken and I grew closer as a couple and loved our kids more than ever before, I also found all my baby boy clothes that I would need, washed the infant seat cover and planned a funeral.

Fast forward to January 2002. Each day after my routine ultrasound, I called my Mom, my Dad & my sister Heather and updated them. On the 8th my Dad told me he was sending my Mom the next day so she would be here when the baby was born and I was ANGRY!! The baby was not due for another 10 days or so and I was not showing any sign of having him sooner. Ken dropped me off at the hospital on the 9th and went to the airport. While he was gone, my Dr told me that my blood pressure had spiked to 376/234 and that every hour I stayed pregnant, increased the chance of a stillbirth and that I needed to have the baby today. I told her that was impossible, my Dad wasn’t in town yet. For the first time, I was also spoken to about my expectations concerning the health and vitality of my baby. When she asked me how I felt about having the baby I told her I was scared because I didn’t think he was going to live very long, and she replied, “Neither do I.”

They put me on Magnesium Sulfate (something to bring my BP down and I don’t know what else) and waited for Ken and my Mom and Sister to arrive. When they got there, Dr came into the room and told them the same thing she told me about needing to have the baby and then said I’d need to be transported to SLC and the University of Utah. Ken said he’d get the car ready and Dr said I wouldn’t be going by car, I was at a high risk of seizures because of my BP. She then said I’d be life flighted to U of U by helicopter. Heather then said, “Can I ride with her?” Dr looked at her funny and said No.

Within the hour I was moved to SLC and my Dad had been called to get to Utah NOW. We also made arrangements with the Drs to have the baby the next day so my Dad could be at the hospital.


The night was long with a lot of Dr. visits. One that still comes to mind was when a med student came into my room to look at my chart. I told him he’d want to study my case closely because they don’t along like very often. His only reply was, “You aren’t a case, you are a family.” I just started crying, thanked him and agreed. He’ll be a good Dr.

My Dad got into town early Thursday morning. Once he was in Salt Lake Valley, they started pitocin and I progressed to a 4. Then they gave am an epidural and I went from 4 to baby in 43 minutes. Robert Kenneth Cheney was born on January 10, 2002 at 1:47 pm and died 1 hour and 47 minutes later. During that time, Ken and my Dad gave him a name and blessing. In that same blessing he was released from this life. During that time, I watched him take his only breaths, I saw him smile, and he was held and loved by his 4 grandparents, Kent & Charlet Anderson and Keith and Cheryll Cheney. He was also held by his aunt Heather. Ken and I held him the whole time he was alive and he died in my arms.

I was moved to an area of the hospital that was for mothers who didn’t get to keep their babies in this life. I had serious complications through the night but I was stable by mid morning and they released me so I could get to the mortuary.

At the mortuary we let the Funeral Director know that my Dad and brother Adam had built Robert’s casket, our friend Judy Richards had lined it and made his outfit and the Ken and I would dress him, then we’d drive him back to Bremerton, WA in our car for his funeral and burial. We did just that.

Robert was buried on a freezing cold Thursday in January—the 17th, in Bremerton WA. Our dear friends, Pam and Bob Sommer, (Robert is named after "Brother Bob") transported him in their van from the church to the cemetery after a funeral that had more than 100 people in attendance. How thankful I was and I still am for all the support we received from friends and family.

Ken flew home to Utah 3 days later because of bad snow in the passes. My Mom drove the kids and me home 4 days after that. She stayed for about a week.

While Ken was home by himself he had a lot of time to think. On the way home I was talking to Ken on the phone and he asked me what I thought about him becoming a Funeral Director/Embalmer. I hated the idea for 2 seconds, then I was all for it.

When I got home we started researching Funeral Service, and we found out you had to do your apprenticeship before your school. I sent resumes all over Utah and Washington. Within 2 months he was offered an apprenticeship in Sunnyside, WA, only 4 hours from Robert’s grave and my family. His pay was $5 more an hour than the standard apprentice. We were truly being blessed. Just as getting his apprenticeship was fairly easy; he also had an easy time getting into school. We truly have been blessed.

Now is the time that I could easily tell you of all the heartache our family has suffered through because of the death of a child, but I’d rather tell you that I LOVE my family, Jesus Christ, and his church—The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Its focus is on families.

Ken and I were married in the temple. Because of this choice I KNOW we will be married for eternity and that our kids are our kids throughout eternity as well. I feel blessed to know that I will get to raise Robert after I die as long as I live my life according to the gospel of Jesus Christ.

I LOVE the Book of Mormon and the Bible. The scriptures are amazing!! I’ve never gone to them and not found an answer to my questions or concerns.

I am thankful for Joseph Smith who translated the Book of Mormon and organized the church in this dispensation.

I will always have a special spot in my heart Gordon B Hinckley—the prophet during my teenage years and 10 years of being married woman, the time that my testimony started to grow and now is firmly planted.

I love Thomas S Monson, our current prophet as well. I know the church is in good hands.

I am thankful for my friends and family. Each one of you who is reading this had helped me in some way to get out of bed on a bad day, to smile when I just wanted to cry. You have let me hold your babies and not been offended when I didn’t want to. You have hugged me on the anniversary date, brought our family dinner, and not been offended when you easily could have been because of my lack of return in a friendship. I’m sorry to those of you who got that end of the bargain.

This January will be 7 years since the death of our 3rd child. As much as we want to have more kids and have gone through several fertility treatments to become pregnant, that is not in Heavenly Father’s plan for us at this time.
Now I try to make each day a memory for my kids. I am preparing for the future phases my kids will go through but I’m not trying to grow them up. I just thank Heavenly Father each day for Nicole & Matthew and the opportunity I have to be a mother on earth and to raise these 2 fantastic children. They help and teach me so much everyday. All I can say is that I am thankful.