Thursday, October 14, 2010
Thinking about my Mom
I'm not telling you all this to get sympathy. At this moment, my blog is my journal or therapist. Here are some things I want to remember...or maybe I don't want to forget. Is that the same thing?
She wore big hair. She LOVED her big hair. When she was going through chemo the first time, I kind of thought she thought she lost her identity because she didn't have her beehive. When she finished chemo and her hair started growing back, she was the most beautiful I've ever seen her in my life. I wish she would have felt it or could have seen it. This time she was only on chemo for a couple weeks but it was long enough that she started losing her hair. Less than 48 hours before she died Gina gave her a haircut. She didn't shave her, but it was really short. Once again she looked very pretty. I feel sad that she didn't look like herself in her casket because her hair wasn't long and in an updo, even though Gina did a beautiful job on her hair.
She told me many times that she liked to practice the piano because she felt closer to her mom when she practiced than anywhere else. When I practice I just cry a lot. It takes me hours to get through my 'hour a day' and then I just feel more and more insecure about my abilities. She was so sure of herself in that area!
My birthday is in 10 days. Her's is 26 days after mine. We are 30 years apart and Nicole and I are 20 years apart. I loved the year we were 60, 30 and 10. I'm sad we won't see 63, 33 and 13. It actually makes me nauseated thinking about it.
There is no good way to end this post. I miss her. A lot. I'd like to talk to her about my kids and homeschooling and how to get the timing right on the piano piece I'm working on. I'd also like to invite her over for dinner because this is the first place I've ever lived that she hasn't seen. I think she would have loved my new couches. Now how silly is that?
Please don't feel obligated to comment on this post. I think that is all for tonight.